First of all, I want to emphasize that this particular blog is focused on me, and just me. It's a place for me to vent on more personal matters going on in my life. Writing has always helped me think and allowed me to express myself. Putting it in this form at least lets people know what's on my mind.
With that out of the way, here is what is on my mind right now: my self esteem seems to be eroding a little bit at a time with each rejection that I get, and I don't know what to do about it.
I've applied for several teaching positions so far this summer. I'm going to be sending out two more resumes this weekend. I've interviewed for one so far this summer at a private Catholic school in Manchester (the same one my dad went to before they consolidated). I thought the interview went well, but I just got notice that I didn't get the job.
I've had so many rejections at this point that I just want to scream into my pillow.
It's not that I don't have a job now. I signed my contract for Franklin High School, and I'm scheduled to be the ISS Assistant for next year. But, it doesn't pay enough for me to have just that one job, so right now I'm on the hunt for a second job to supplement that one when school starts (and to start right away so that we have money coming in). But I feel like I've been on the perpetual job hunt for WAY too many years now, and I just want one less thing to worry about and I want it to STOP.
I'm going to be 41 in December. I don't mind saying it -- I don't look that old. But being almost 41, I feel like I'm failing at life in general.
I think the more recent bout of feeling like a failure happened when I was at Winnisquam. I was doing great when I started there, and I thought that things were going to finally start looking up for me. Then I was suddenly given a student that ended up being too much for me, plus the expectation to also help these other students out in the classroom who were not as severe as this student (while still adding more specialized stuff onto this one's plan), adding on the pressure of a teacher who was making me feel like an idiot for any action that I did in her classroom, giving me the feeling that I was walking on eggshells...no wonder I was a mess by the time I was fired. Since taking the job at Franklin, my self esteem has been boosted quite a bit -- I'm starting to feel like I'm a rock star again. I've gotten nothing but praise since I've been back there, and I'm even going full time this year in my new position.
But...it's not teaching, which is what I really want to do. And although I'm getting a raise next year, it's still not going to be enough without a second job for Doug and I to be able to stay in this house. I'm feeling a lot of pressure from all sides, and there are just days that I feel like I'm going to break.
And as far as a second job goes, I'm having a tough time there, as well. I'll go in for those interviews, and them...nothing. I have to make some phone calls tomorrow, and it's too soon to say that for the two interviews I had/have this week (I had one for Smitty's on Tuesday, and I have one at IZOD tomorrow), but from someone who is used to getting jobs as soon as I interview for them, this whole process has been a blow to my self esteem.
Doug has been suggesting that I go for something "outside" of my experience, his reasoning that just the mere possession of the Masters degree might help me with locations that are just looking for people with any degree. But I'm too scared to do that. Anytime I've gone outside of my current experience, I've gotten fired, putting us back where we were before. Plus, I'm afraid that if I stay out of Education for any length of time I'll never get a teaching job.
So, I'm just kind of in the cracks right now, where I have no clue where to go at this point. I don't know what to do, and I'm feeling like a humongous failure.
